My Envy.......Is Damini’s pride

There is an old television advertisement that I grew up watching which had a tag line that has stuck with me: ‘Neighbour’s envy, owner’s pride’. This could very well be a tag line for how I have felt about Damini’s life the over last couple of years. A happy alchemy of growing independence, maturing skills, some radical decisions, chance encounters, an amazing set of friends, a supportive network of parents of differently-abled people –parents like me...Damini turned 21 amidst some major transformations.

At the Velvi Art Festival

At the Velvi Art Festival

At the Velvi Art Festival

There were inklings that the aspirational independence was actualising. The eye opener was a residential art festival for persons in the autism spectrum (I’m so glad they happily included a person with trisomy-21, thank you Akila Vaidyanathan) that I attended with Damini, where I found myself completely superfluous for 3 days. I was gobsmacked by the enthusiasm with which she threw herself into all the activities, navigated her way from one session to the other, grabbed the mic whenever she could, hung out with the dudes and generally ignored me in between hugs. I had no idea she was so ready for it. Seven months later Damini went on a four-day camp in the Himalayas with Evoluer (an amazing brainchild of Shaloo Sharma). We dropped her off at the New Delhi station and picked her up from there four days later brimming with pride, stories of adventure, the email handle of a boy in her pocket and the incredulous refrain “I went all by myself!”

Off to the Himalayas!

Travel buddies

Simultaneously we introduced a radically different element to Damini’s schedule. To try and figure out what we needed to focus on in her development so that she is ready for a productive and independent life, we found her ‘jobs’. A network of friends helped us find positions for her as an intern with two amazingly experimental and creative people: Anjali Sharma, a Bangalore based designer and Sonali Maniar of Temple Tree. They willingly invested time in finding things that Damini could do that was actually a part of their process. It’s a gamble that paid off.

With Anjali Sharma

Working at French Curve

Last April, Damini formally joined the workforce. For three days a week she works at Mitti Café, a chain of cafes that has a mixed hiring policy. She also continues to work a couple of days at the designer’s as her office assistant. She has ‘work’ friends and a salary to fund her biriyani addiction. Over the years, there had been glimpses of a wistful desire for a life like her sister and cousins’ through the perennial happiness of her days, a desire to interact with the world without interpreters, facilitators and mediators. Now she gets to do that five days a week.

With the Mitti Cafe crew

The fundamental and scary shift is that Damini went from a safe, predictable and curated exposure of people and situations to one that is a lot more unpredictable and out of control. There was no way we could whet and filter and prep the people that she would interact with.

The uncomfortable truth of this entire experience is that while Damini just went out there without missing a stride, it threw up for me insecurities, thoughts and notions some of which I never knew I harboured:

-        The need for my daughter to be perfect at her work lest the cafe decides that she does not pass muster

-        The worry that Damini might do something embarrassing

-        The overwhelming urge to save her from any ridicules and hurt

-        The notion that the onus of being understood, ‘perceived well’ is all on Damini

-        ‘This is a referendum on my effectiveness as a parent’

The last one was the most uncomfortable of all.

It took effort to make peace with the fact that she might do things wrong and she might get hurt. She would just have to learn to deal with it like anyone else. If people do not get her or find her ‘strange’ it’s their problem to deal with. The world by and large is supportive. Mostly it just needs help with the how of it

And the reason Damini adapted to this change with such aplomb was because she was handicapped by none of the above.

There is such freedom in responding to every moment and person with nothing but anticipation. It also scripts how people deal with her in return. Her good cheer and gentleness puts most people at ease and they naturally tend to return the favour. I have to recount the instance when we were getting her passport renewed. After an interminable wait we had our turn with the passport officer nearing lunchtime. To say he looked fed up, irritated and hungry was putting it mildly. Damini just walked up to him, smiled, and said “good afternoon uncle”. It was astonishing how that man just melted from a grouch to this genial ‘uncle’ in seconds. He made small talk with her, introduced her to all the other equally jaded officers as his ‘friend’ and fast tracked the rest of the process. I wish I had captured that instance. Most people respond with the same ease and good cheer that she brings to her interactions. Most importantly they lose the tendency to be self conscious and wary about how to interact with her.

I find that she has this remarkable ability to filter out any negative emotional baggage from most situations. She has developed her own way of dealing with situations that are upsetting. Her reaction is any one or combinations of the following: a mild scowl, withdraw and recoup by giving herself a pep talk (sometimes audible), call me and tell me she is ‘happy’.

Whatever the reaction it lasts only for a few moments, the instance put behind and she has moved on. Even better is the blessed ability to be completely oblivious to the existence of sarcasm, ridicule, or rejection. They lose their capacity to hurt when they don’t exist at all.

While there are stray incidents of genuine distress, or walking out of work early, or landing up at home with a birthday gift in November when her birthday is in August, they are nothing that has alarmed us enough to doubt the wisdom of our decisions. Meanwhile Damini continues to looks forward to each day with excitement.

As for me, while I have celebrated this transition every step of the way, I am truly envious! I am envious of the fact that she has purpose in life while I’m waiting for mine to reveal itself. I am envious that she has a paying job and I don’t. And I absolutely covet her relationship with life...that of being best buddies!